OK guys, I wanna tell you a story because I want to explain a few things about me or my behaviour lately and I just need help from anyone, and I need to get this off my shoulders somewhere. If you don't want to read a long story then leave, 'cause underneath is nearly my whole life story. If you are willing to help, then please get through it.
But that was not the point of this post, and not 100% the reason I posted that barca thing.
Another explanation is my life in its current shape. I have learned things that have changed and horrified it so much that I'm having trouble staying optimistic enough to not get depressed, if I haven't lost that battle already. This has turned me into a down and cranky asshole, day in day out, and I am losing the ability to empathize with other people and their problems. They have become irrelevant to me and their problems seem minor. I will give you a quick, global explanation so that you know what I mean;
My parents divorced when I was 8, and ever since my mother told me about the horrible things my father did around that time. Things like child porn, incest with my sister, mental and physical abuse, etc. It was so disgusting and ill that I have hated him all my life, I didn't have contact with him for 8 years and I always despised him and blamed him for as much shit as I possibly could, thinking that my mother, on the other hand, was an angel. She was the best person I knew and I saw her as the victim and innocent one, and I'd always be safe in the house with her and my sisters, as long as I'd avoid my father. Ultimately I declared I wanted to see him dead, to police, child department, teachers and other parties that interrogated me and my sister about the incest charges put on him... on the age of 8 years old. All the stuff that happened around that time, it's absolutely mad and unexplainable, so I'll leave it to this.
I have lived like that for 19 years. Contact with dad started again a few years ago thanks to my stepdad who found out 'the truth' (getting to that now) by a call every now and then, and sometimes a visit for our birthdays. Until I had to meet up with him in Arnhem, to settle financial issues for my college. It was meant to be only that, but when the subject changed to my mother and her financial capabilities, I started defending her when he was criticizing her. I told him that he had done that for more than enough. This apparently triggered him, and then the meeting turned out to be a whole different one than what was intended. For the first time ever, 11 years after the divorce, he had the chance to tell me his side of everything that happened. And so he did. And not only did it all make sense, he actually had proof for everything he said.
Turns out he never did a single thing wrong. My mother apparently has the Borderline personality disorder, and therefore is unable to see the difference between what she is making up in her head, and what is actually real. Amongst a whole lot of other shit. When they divorced she feared he was going to steal us from her, unable to see that all he wanted was shared custody and a house in the same town. So she started this war, with the 'incest weapon' (any man who gets charged for that is done for, guilty or not) prepared.
She had done two suicide attempts, the first time was when my dad wanted to leave her to make him stay (which worked) and the second time was when he actually left, exactly a year later. For example: we (her children) always believed she was in the hospital because she was completely beat up by our dad.
There is so much more crazy stuff, much worse stuff even, but I can't get to that here. I would be typing for two days if I were to explain everything.
Anyways, that day (in October 2012) I learned that my whole life has been built on lies and indoctrination. I immediately believed him because I would already often notice her strange and abnormal behaviour/reactions to things. What she has done caused a "syndrome" called the Parental Alienation Syndrome. In the third or fourth degree (there are four or five). Obviously, nothing is as malleable as a child and this syndrome is basically brainwashing your kids to hate one parent so much that they want him to die, for unfounded reasons. They believe everything that was told to them actually happened and they will always defend the parent they live with and hate the non-resident parent. I once wrote my dad a letter, and in that letter I spoke about financial issues and other things that were impossible for an 8 year old child to even know about. In the final sentence, I told him I wanted him dead. I always believed I wrote it completely on my own because my mother brainwashed me that way, but upon reading it again a few weeks ago in a second secret meeting with my dad (this time we went into the past much deeper and he brought all the evidence and stuff, this is when it really hit me) it was like I saw my mother speaking.
This shit has completely destroyed my youth, when this happens to a child it often loses the balance of having both a father and mother. In my case, I went from super confident to extremely shy, and I made such an ass of myself so often that I just want to leave this town to run away from the people who know and my problems. I only got over that a few years ago, and now I'm 'stable' again.
Anyways, I'm trying to get over the fact that I have destroyed something I really wanted during my youth: a nice relationship with my father, like everyone else around me. I thought I couldn't because he was a criminal, but now I know I actually lived (and still live) with the criminal and he was innocent, so there was not even a reason for it to be ruined like this. That makes it extra hard. Also, he was a victim as much as I was. The tremendous pain he went through during this process, not seeing your kids grow up because of an insane fucking woman and not even hearing or seeing them for such a long time, destroyed him mentally and he had a few rough years before getting his life back on track. This also makes me sad, he also wanted to spend that time with me, and feels just as bad about it as I do. He is lucky I believe him though, might be different with my sisters. Severe PAS results in children rejecting the truth even when it is told to them with evidence, hating their parent forever. For no reason.
And now I am finally getting to know him and I am trying to forge that relationship, for example I secretly went to his birthday party a week or two ago (if my mom would find out, she'd replace every door lock in the house and never let me in again, so I have to make excuses every single time I do something) but the pressure of mom finding out the truth while I was there was so huge, I wasn't even able to enjoy it for one minute. I stayed there for the night as well, telling her I was staying with a friend. And getting to know him, I found that he is actually one of the most intelligent, sympathetic and honest persons I have ever encountered in my life, and I'm ashamed that I didn't trust him. He has a sick hobby, making electronic, almost symphonic music in a very rare genre, I have never spaced so hard on anything while high. He has serious skills and maybe I'll post it in electronic music topic one day. Finally I was getting this relationship back and then he got in that accident and went into coma. I was speechless, crying at my friend all day, not at home because my mom would be angry at me for crying about my dad, wondering what the fuck I had done to deserve all this nonsense. That was a few months after my grandpa died, and a week after my other grandpa and grandmother (dad's parents, ironically) also both went to hospital, where they're still fighting. I was now completely on my own, if my dad wasn't gonna wake up my sisters would never know the truth and I would have to live with this crap inside me (being the only one who knows is really fucking hard) till eternity. I was so fucking depressed at this point. However, my dad woke up again. This was before the birthday party, so I've also seen him again.
Mother is only getting more insane each day now because she knows the truth has to come out one day, and that day is getting severely close. And now I have to prepare my sister (17) for the fact that her whole life is going to change the way mine did (I can never feel relaxed at home anymore, I cannot look my mother in her eyes without mixed feelings) and get her as far as to speak with my dad. I don't know how I'm ever supposed to approach this, my sister is really stubborn and she might explode in rage against my mother, who would find out that we both know, which for now is not supposed to happen because my other sister, who is way too young for this (12) would then find out as well. And I see mother as a victim of the Borderline syndrome, I cannot stay angry at her because even though all that shit she pulled, she did it because in her head it was the right thing to do and she was protecting us. To me, there is a difference between people who do bad because they're meaning to, and people who do bad while they believe they do good. The first group should be behind bars, while the second desperately needs help. My sister will unlikely see it that way.
One day, when some crazy shit happened and I was screaming at her in the argument, not getting through of course (it's like everything you say goes in to one ear and right out of the other, which is always really frustrating) she came to me that night, asking me if I had forgotten about the past, and the things my dad did to her. And I was unable to lie. I remained quiet in the search for the right words to say, which was obviously already strange to her, and then I told her I'm not sure I remember things right or at all. And oh my, you wouldn't wanna hear the voice she put up when I did that, and the facial expression... I thought she was going to murder me. Then she took a few examples and now, after knowing the truth, I look right through it. It's like I remember things again. She told me about things of which I always believed I saw them happening myself, but now I actually remembered exactly; I remembered how she was the one who told me that shit a long time ago. I said that as well and she went downstairs, screaming through all the fucking night, throwing shit against the wall. Like she always does.
I'm going mentally ill here, I have to live a double life, shutting the fuck up and pretending to be ignorant here, lying whenever I go to dad, while being myself and telling people when at my father's family. Since I'm here 99% of the time, this is hard, and every time I hear them speak about my dad at dinner or whatever, and speaking badly about him as usual, I have to try to shut the fuck up. And that is getting harder every day, actually it's intolerable right now.
On another note, I also received news that I have seasonal affective disorder (which kinda explains my nearly dead posture and horrible performance during the winter season), so as soon as summer is done I'm going down once again even further. Looking forward to it.
This shit is also why I'm not as active here anymore, I try to be away from home as much as I can, to friends or family. And it's why I write such posts as the one in fuckbarca topique, to get back on that. If you could feel the mood I'm usually in for just ten seconds, you might understand. It's like a burning fire inside your stomach, the flames going up your throat; it's basically waves of depression through your entire body, just because of the shit around you. Every second of the day. I used to have the support of my girlfriend and that was always what kept me up, but since she broke up with no clear reason as well (might have been all this shit that comes along with me...), suddenly after four years, I often have lone nights of crying. I hope you might somewhere understand that in this situation, I can't give two shits about the next guy having cancer, I have become unable to empathize and I am even jealous because I wish cancer was all I'd have to worry about. I am so severely fucked in the head right now that I don't even know what I'm saying, I guess. But of course, Tito Vilanova has done nothing for Barca, he is the guy I would hate the least of their whole team and my sane self would never actually wish cancer on anyone for the meaningless sport that is football. Football is just a distraction, keeping people's thoughts off the actual problems in this world. Being aware of that, why would I even care about it enough to hate people so much that I wish them dead...
So my apoligies, again, to the offended.
I don't know if there is anyone on here who has some knowledge or advice about how the hell I'm supposed to live through this, 'cause I'm stuck here with this situation for at least another three years. And how am I going to approach my sister... I really just don't know what to do. I can't explain it, the enormous post above is not even the tip of the iceberg...
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I have to say it already feels relieving having posted this on here...