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Thread: Need Help

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    Need Help

    OK guys, I wanna tell you a story because I want to explain a few things about me or my behaviour lately and I just need help from anyone, and I need to get this off my shoulders somewhere. If you don't want to read a long story then leave, 'cause underneath is nearly my whole life story. If you are willing to help, then please get through it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Martijn View Post
    Would like the same to happen to everyone else in that snakepit. Very rude, harsh, crazy, selfish, mentally ill etc. etc. I know and I realize that, but in this case, I really just don't care. I can't.
    I want to apologize for this post of mine in the I Hate F.C. Barcelona topic to anyone who felt offended. Firstly, in the Netherlands, swearing with diseases, genitals and blasphemy is the most normal thing in the world. This has to do with the way you pronounce the language as the words for the before mentioned subjects are the hardest and most satisfying ones to use, thanks to the 'K' in particular. Blame whoever came up with those retarded names for that, this should have been obvious to that person. 7 out of 10 use cancer as a swearing word, and when you live in an environment like that, the word loses its value and you no longer see it as a horrible disease, but as a simple, empty word you vent your anger with. What I said in my previous post is also not rare, it's a thing you say about people you hate, but because the word has been devalued so much, it never has a real meaning. You say it but you don't actually wish it on someone, it's more an expression, a way to show that you really hate someone. If that last part is actually true for me in this case or not doesn't matter, it's this way of speaking that made me forget how hard it actually hits people who live outside that environment. So sorry for that.

    But that was not the point of this post, and not 100% the reason I posted that barca thing.

    Another explanation is my life in its current shape. I have learned things that have changed and horrified it so much that I'm having trouble staying optimistic enough to not get depressed, if I haven't lost that battle already. This has turned me into a down and cranky asshole, day in day out, and I am losing the ability to empathize with other people and their problems. They have become irrelevant to me and their problems seem minor. I will give you a quick, global explanation so that you know what I mean;

    My parents divorced when I was 8, and ever since my mother told me about the horrible things my father did around that time. Things like child porn, incest with my sister, mental and physical abuse, etc. It was so disgusting and ill that I have hated him all my life, I didn't have contact with him for 8 years and I always despised him and blamed him for as much shit as I possibly could, thinking that my mother, on the other hand, was an angel. She was the best person I knew and I saw her as the victim and innocent one, and I'd always be safe in the house with her and my sisters, as long as I'd avoid my father. Ultimately I declared I wanted to see him dead, to police, child department, teachers and other parties that interrogated me and my sister about the incest charges put on him... on the age of 8 years old. All the stuff that happened around that time, it's absolutely mad and unexplainable, so I'll leave it to this.

    I have lived like that for 19 years. Contact with dad started again a few years ago thanks to my stepdad who found out 'the truth' (getting to that now) by a call every now and then, and sometimes a visit for our birthdays. Until I had to meet up with him in Arnhem, to settle financial issues for my college. It was meant to be only that, but when the subject changed to my mother and her financial capabilities, I started defending her when he was criticizing her. I told him that he had done that for more than enough. This apparently triggered him, and then the meeting turned out to be a whole different one than what was intended. For the first time ever, 11 years after the divorce, he had the chance to tell me his side of everything that happened. And so he did. And not only did it all make sense, he actually had proof for everything he said.

    Turns out he never did a single thing wrong. My mother apparently has the Borderline personality disorder, and therefore is unable to see the difference between what she is making up in her head, and what is actually real. Amongst a whole lot of other shit. When they divorced she feared he was going to steal us from her, unable to see that all he wanted was shared custody and a house in the same town. So she started this war, with the 'incest weapon' (any man who gets charged for that is done for, guilty or not) prepared.

    She had done two suicide attempts, the first time was when my dad wanted to leave her to make him stay (which worked) and the second time was when he actually left, exactly a year later. For example: we (her children) always believed she was in the hospital because she was completely beat up by our dad.

    There is so much more crazy stuff, much worse stuff even, but I can't get to that here. I would be typing for two days if I were to explain everything.

    Anyways, that day (in October 2012) I learned that my whole life has been built on lies and indoctrination. I immediately believed him because I would already often notice her strange and abnormal behaviour/reactions to things. What she has done caused a "syndrome" called the Parental Alienation Syndrome. In the third or fourth degree (there are four or five). Obviously, nothing is as malleable as a child and this syndrome is basically brainwashing your kids to hate one parent so much that they want him to die, for unfounded reasons. They believe everything that was told to them actually happened and they will always defend the parent they live with and hate the non-resident parent. I once wrote my dad a letter, and in that letter I spoke about financial issues and other things that were impossible for an 8 year old child to even know about. In the final sentence, I told him I wanted him dead. I always believed I wrote it completely on my own because my mother brainwashed me that way, but upon reading it again a few weeks ago in a second secret meeting with my dad (this time we went into the past much deeper and he brought all the evidence and stuff, this is when it really hit me) it was like I saw my mother speaking.

    This shit has completely destroyed my youth, when this happens to a child it often loses the balance of having both a father and mother. In my case, I went from super confident to extremely shy, and I made such an ass of myself so often that I just want to leave this town to run away from the people who know and my problems. I only got over that a few years ago, and now I'm 'stable' again.

    Anyways, I'm trying to get over the fact that I have destroyed something I really wanted during my youth: a nice relationship with my father, like everyone else around me. I thought I couldn't because he was a criminal, but now I know I actually lived (and still live) with the criminal and he was innocent, so there was not even a reason for it to be ruined like this. That makes it extra hard. Also, he was a victim as much as I was. The tremendous pain he went through during this process, not seeing your kids grow up because of an insane fucking woman and not even hearing or seeing them for such a long time, destroyed him mentally and he had a few rough years before getting his life back on track. This also makes me sad, he also wanted to spend that time with me, and feels just as bad about it as I do. He is lucky I believe him though, might be different with my sisters. Severe PAS results in children rejecting the truth even when it is told to them with evidence, hating their parent forever. For no reason.

    And now I am finally getting to know him and I am trying to forge that relationship, for example I secretly went to his birthday party a week or two ago (if my mom would find out, she'd replace every door lock in the house and never let me in again, so I have to make excuses every single time I do something) but the pressure of mom finding out the truth while I was there was so huge, I wasn't even able to enjoy it for one minute. I stayed there for the night as well, telling her I was staying with a friend. And getting to know him, I found that he is actually one of the most intelligent, sympathetic and honest persons I have ever encountered in my life, and I'm ashamed that I didn't trust him. He has a sick hobby, making electronic, almost symphonic music in a very rare genre, I have never spaced so hard on anything while high. He has serious skills and maybe I'll post it in electronic music topic one day. Finally I was getting this relationship back and then he got in that accident and went into coma. I was speechless, crying at my friend all day, not at home because my mom would be angry at me for crying about my dad, wondering what the fuck I had done to deserve all this nonsense. That was a few months after my grandpa died, and a week after my other grandpa and grandmother (dad's parents, ironically) also both went to hospital, where they're still fighting. I was now completely on my own, if my dad wasn't gonna wake up my sisters would never know the truth and I would have to live with this crap inside me (being the only one who knows is really fucking hard) till eternity. I was so fucking depressed at this point. However, my dad woke up again. This was before the birthday party, so I've also seen him again.

    Mother is only getting more insane each day now because she knows the truth has to come out one day, and that day is getting severely close. And now I have to prepare my sister (17) for the fact that her whole life is going to change the way mine did (I can never feel relaxed at home anymore, I cannot look my mother in her eyes without mixed feelings) and get her as far as to speak with my dad. I don't know how I'm ever supposed to approach this, my sister is really stubborn and she might explode in rage against my mother, who would find out that we both know, which for now is not supposed to happen because my other sister, who is way too young for this (12) would then find out as well. And I see mother as a victim of the Borderline syndrome, I cannot stay angry at her because even though all that shit she pulled, she did it because in her head it was the right thing to do and she was protecting us. To me, there is a difference between people who do bad because they're meaning to, and people who do bad while they believe they do good. The first group should be behind bars, while the second desperately needs help. My sister will unlikely see it that way.

    One day, when some crazy shit happened and I was screaming at her in the argument, not getting through of course (it's like everything you say goes in to one ear and right out of the other, which is always really frustrating) she came to me that night, asking me if I had forgotten about the past, and the things my dad did to her. And I was unable to lie. I remained quiet in the search for the right words to say, which was obviously already strange to her, and then I told her I'm not sure I remember things right or at all. And oh my, you wouldn't wanna hear the voice she put up when I did that, and the facial expression... I thought she was going to murder me. Then she took a few examples and now, after knowing the truth, I look right through it. It's like I remember things again. She told me about things of which I always believed I saw them happening myself, but now I actually remembered exactly; I remembered how she was the one who told me that shit a long time ago. I said that as well and she went downstairs, screaming through all the fucking night, throwing shit against the wall. Like she always does.

    I'm going mentally ill here, I have to live a double life, shutting the fuck up and pretending to be ignorant here, lying whenever I go to dad, while being myself and telling people when at my father's family. Since I'm here 99% of the time, this is hard, and every time I hear them speak about my dad at dinner or whatever, and speaking badly about him as usual, I have to try to shut the fuck up. And that is getting harder every day, actually it's intolerable right now.

    On another note, I also received news that I have seasonal affective disorder (which kinda explains my nearly dead posture and horrible performance during the winter season), so as soon as summer is done I'm going down once again even further. Looking forward to it.

    This shit is also why I'm not as active here anymore, I try to be away from home as much as I can, to friends or family. And it's why I write such posts as the one in fuckbarca topique, to get back on that. If you could feel the mood I'm usually in for just ten seconds, you might understand. It's like a burning fire inside your stomach, the flames going up your throat; it's basically waves of depression through your entire body, just because of the shit around you. Every second of the day. I used to have the support of my girlfriend and that was always what kept me up, but since she broke up with no clear reason as well (might have been all this shit that comes along with me...), suddenly after four years, I often have lone nights of crying. I hope you might somewhere understand that in this situation, I can't give two shits about the next guy having cancer, I have become unable to empathize and I am even jealous because I wish cancer was all I'd have to worry about. I am so severely fucked in the head right now that I don't even know what I'm saying, I guess. But of course, Tito Vilanova has done nothing for Barca, he is the guy I would hate the least of their whole team and my sane self would never actually wish cancer on anyone for the meaningless sport that is football. Football is just a distraction, keeping people's thoughts off the actual problems in this world. Being aware of that, why would I even care about it enough to hate people so much that I wish them dead...

    So my apoligies, again, to the offended.

    I don't know if there is anyone on here who has some knowledge or advice about how the hell I'm supposed to live through this, 'cause I'm stuck here with this situation for at least another three years. And how am I going to approach my sister... I really just don't know what to do. I can't explain it, the enormous post above is not even the tip of the iceberg...

    - - - Updated - - -

    I have to say it already feels relieving having posted this on here...
    Bwahahahaha!!! What man would voluntarily impregnate a woman while being sober?! Our fathers were all drunk.
    -Lionheart
    Get your fucking shit together you worthless, spineless, brainless fucking cunts.
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    FUCK BARCA

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  3. #2
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    Damn son.

    Stick with the voice of reason deep inside you. Be a man & don't let anybody inject their ideas & opinions into you. It's already good that you heard everybody's side of the story. But now I'd say it's time for you to build an opinion of yourself, & stick to it like a man. It's not the first time I hear that parents try to play out each other in front of the kids. So listen to their story, but it's important that you be your own man.

    I've seen some crazy shit myself in my time & I'd say it's all about these life experiences that ultimately seperates you from the weak, spoiled, fucks who never had to deal with anything in their life.

    Stay tough dawg, but don't say that shit about being sorry for the fuck Barca stuff. Fuck Barca, son! Fuck'em!
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    Touching story man

    My advice:
    Like you posted this on a forum, you should explain your situation to someone in person, e.g. friends, relatives. Last thing you wanna do is keep everything to yourself and try to solve this issue all on your own.

    You'll get the feeling of losing a huge part of the burden off your shoulders, this alone will solve many issues.


    Stay strong!
    It will be called Internazionale, because we are brothers of the world.

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    Real heavy stuff. The only advice I could give is maybe seeing a professional who's trained and qualified to listen and give advice in these sorts of matters.

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    I can't imagine what you are going through and it's making me really sad that you have to go through all this. If I were you I would try to show the truth to your 17 years old sister and make her see everything and then solve the problem with your 12 years old sister. I don't think it's right to make her also live in that lie :/ (This was only my own thoughts I hope it doesn't offend you.)

    I will never be able to forget what I've just read and you'll always be on my thoughts. Remember to stay strong and if it get really hard try to think that you must stay strong for your sisters sake! I hope everything works out well for you and your sisters.

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    This sounds too depressing to be true, I hope it's not a stupid troll post.

    But if it's true, then my advice to you Martijn, is that you simply have to be the rock of your family. You gotta be strong for them, no matter how hard things are. I do believe that your sisters deserve the truth some day, but you're the better judge on when to reveal it. Some people mature faster than others. I am certain that you shouldn't tell them if you think they're not ready yet though.

    I suggest you go see a shrink Martijn. I mean, if opening up to us helps you that much, then I'm sure someone professional will be able to assist you further.

    No matter what happen, stay strong bro! We're with you!

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  13. #7
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    I wish it was a troll post! I just have a lot of bad luck.

    Thanks for your feedback guys... I am going to tell my very best friend, who is like a brother to me. He will drag me through this, I know it... but I kept hiding it thus far, didn't know where to even begin my story...

    I only know about this shit for less than a year, and in every detail for less than a month...
    Bwahahahaha!!! What man would voluntarily impregnate a woman while being sober?! Our fathers were all drunk.
    -Lionheart
    Get your fucking shit together you worthless, spineless, brainless fucking cunts.
    -Universe
    FUCK BARCA

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    As an older brother, you have to try to get to your sisters as close as possible first, if any, get closer to them more than your mom, tell your secrets and let them tell theirs, do them favour, share your other problems etc. then you might be able to get them believing. Still better find a professional, or as you said tell your best friends, who knows you and understand you so much.

    That's a sad story and I really feel for you, the leas I can do is to wish you luck, and hope everything will be fine very soon. Stay strong bro!
    Forza Inter

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    I want to apologize for this post of mine in the I Hate F.C. Barcelona topic to anyone who felt offended. Firstly, in the Netherlands, swearing with diseases, genitals and blasphemy is the most normal thing in the world. This has to do with the way you pronounce the language as the words for the before mentioned subjects are the hardest and most satisfying ones to use, thanks to the 'K' in particular.
    I can confirm this, it's kinda sad to read this and it made me rethink about the shit I said to my mother. Goodluck with whatever you're gonna do
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    Was just kidding mate. Inter will teach you to take a black dick in the butt and not moaning much, well, maybe alittle bit, but not so much.

    I mean you`ll grow tougher, smarter, gayer, troller and more stubborn.

    Welcome to the Inter world!
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    Not really sure what to say about this one. Wow. I guess, use this situation in your favor man, let it make you stronger, don't let it put you down. It's a cliche, but you must stand up every time you are down, only that way you will prove to YOURSELF that you are worthy, and that you deserve a better and greater life.

    It's fantastic that you think about your sisters' behaviour and the way they could handle this situation, and taking all the pain alone, that's something incredible and applaud worthy. I always thought you were that troll-dutch-dumb-fucker and had an easy going life, but this post changed a lot, for me as well, and the way I should look at things.

    Keep going man, let this build you up to become a better person, a stronger one. FORZA!
    TI TE DOMINET MILAN

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  20. #11
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    wow man!!

    I cant give you a better advice than the lads above, Martijn. But seeing through this post, I can grantee you something...

    Someday, not so far from now, believe it or not, you`ll look back to this and wonder how this problem has made you the man you are, taking all of this shit and standing on your feet like a rock, I barely met people who could have the courage to keep standing on their feet taking alot of shit like that man!


    I know you are tolerating your mother because obviously she did not mean harm in first place, and maybe if she found out someday that you started contacting your father, she might do things that you wont like, she might even hurt herself or the people around her. But eventually, one way or another, truth will be revealed and someday you`ll have to face this situation with your mother. but will you be ready? here I would like to repeat what Batman said above, you should get closer to your sisters, spend so much time with them and stuff like that, always check if they need anything, try to be as close as possible. cause when that day comes when you have to reveal the truth, your sisters should be able to see the all thing through your eyes, so they wont have to hate their mother. after all, she is your mother and no matter what she did, you cant allow yourself and your young sisters to hate her. if you get close to your sisters, you`ll find the right way and right time to start explaining things to them.

    To me, there is a difference between people who do bad because they're meaning to, and people who do bad while they believe they do good. The first group should be behind bars, while the second desperately needs help. My sister will unlikely see it that way.
    This is the most important thing. Im happy that you look at it that way. Im proud of of Martijn.

    I wish you the best and I`ll be looking forward for the updates, which I hope it all turns to be for the best man. we Intersiti stick for each other, we`d even stick for a Netherland atheist bitch like you believe it or not, bitch

    Shit doesnt happen

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    just keep your head up and try to get through this, every dude goes through a tough period in his life, but you don't see them wishing death on other people who have done absolutely nothing to you.

    Man up and take care, don't let this ruin your personality
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    Quote Originally Posted by PimpinAintEasy View Post
    don't let this ruin your personality
    This I think is very important.

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    Fuck Barca.
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    \_(ツ)_/

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    Quote Originally Posted by Universe View Post
    Fuck Bartha.
    Fixed
    Awaiting the start of our youth project.

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    There are few things you could try to do, Martijn. It's not gonna be easy or simple, but these are things I could suggest you:

    1. No matter how hard or under pressure you are, don't focus or concentrate on that matter. Look into yourself and start everything from you.
    2. Restructure yourself, maintain your mood. Rebuild your confidence. Refresh your mind. These are fundamentals to get a strong mind.
    3. Learn some relaxation methods like meditation. Avoids sleeping pills, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes coz they induce. Don't vent out anger from any cases, but leave them behind.
    4. Again, don't focus on what you should do but how you would do it. It doesn't matter if you don't know how you would do it, just build yourself and let it flow.
    5. It is not always easy to share these things to professionals, because not everyone would exactly understand what you're going through. They presume everyone has the same feeling coz they read it from the books while the reality no one does. So, it is kinda difficult too to get a really good professional who would help you from both profession and humanity sides, not only helping because they studied it and work as one.
    6. This is the most important thing. Don't run away from anything. Face it. Do what you think it is right to do. If you are still in doubt, just pending it.
    7. Be honest to yourself.
    8. Last but not least, you are not alone.

    Those are few things I could suggest atm. I'm not a professional, but I speak from experiences. PM me if you would like to share anything more or I could probably share some too.
    FC INTERNAZIONALE

    I thought football in Italy had changed, but it seems that a zebra never changes its stripes.
    FAK GOBBY

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    Listen to Ed... Its like he thinks he's a doctor or something...
    Awaiting the start of our youth project.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Shaun View Post
    Don't listen to anyone. Just do the best you can do
    This.

    Stay strong, and do what your conscience says.
    Sudaca Power.

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    Chile

    here listen to this

    depression is self manufactured, its not being inflicted upon you, you are choosing for it, embracing it moment by moment. you have full control over your own thoughts, opinions etc.. thoughts and ideas replicate themselves inside your brain. so the more you think negative thoughts the more they grow and replicate inside your head. shutting these thoughts down and replacing them with positives does physically affect your brain.

    also try to picture this, you go to a third world country hellhole, you see a kid with a swollen belly with flies over his face. tell him about your problems, tell him about your running water and education, about your house etc. i promise you wont be able to finish your first sentence.

    just stick with it, be a man. problems like that give your character.

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