After BFC82 wonderful Homer J Simpson's thread, let's hear some stuff from The Griffins!
Peter: Relax Lois, when I had a toothache my mom used to give me whiskey.
(Flashback to young Peter Griffin)
Young Peter: My tooth hurts!!
(Peters mom throws a bottle of whiskey at him and it hits the wall.)
Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
Peter (after Lois tells him he's childish): "If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if i'm going stand here and take this from a pervert."
Lois: Peter,why are we stopped?
Peter: Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers...
Lois: Peter for God's sakes she's havin' a baby!
Peter: Oh that's right...and a kid's meal... and uh,I, I guess I'll have fries...if I have fries is anyone else gonna have any? Cuz,uh I don't wanna be the only one eatin' them... I'll feel like a fatty.
Peter (when he's hungover): This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum. (Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur
Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.
Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!
Peter - I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's gonna be a vegetable. You're gonna have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her for the rest of your life.
Guy - OH MY GOD!
Peter - No no no, I'm just kiddin. She's dead.
Peter: Don't worry Chris. Sometimes it's good not to fit in. (Flashback to Veitnam)
Peter (dressed in a clown suit): You guys are stupid. Their gonna be looking for army people.
Cleveland: Hey Peter, are you up for another snow cone?
Peter: No thanks, that yellow snow cone you gave me didn't taste like lemon, it tasted more like...oh you guys are asses!
Brian: And remember that time you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
(Scene cuts to Peter in the movie theater and everyone is crying, except him.)
Peter: I got it! Thats the guy from "Big," uh--Tom Hanks! Funny guy Tom Hanks, everything he says is a stitch.
Tom Hanks' Character: I have aids.
(Peter laughs hysterically.)
Peter (to Meg): Remember that pony you wanted when you were 6? Well I've been waitin for a time like this.
(opens closet door and a skeleton of a pony is there)
Peter: Oh, oh god, that's right ponies, ponies like food.
Peter: Sometimes it's appropriate to swear
(Peter is in court)
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you god?
Peter: I do........You bastard
Peter: It's a beautiful baby girl!
Carol: Oh, a girl! I'm so happy!
Peter: But it has a penis. (Picks up scalpel.) I'll take care of that.
Lois: Peter, No!
Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter: Um, if by "read" you mean imagined a naked lady, then, yes.
Peter: A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, Bam! Herpes.
Peter: Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
Lois: I care about the size of your penis as much as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter: Oh my God! (runs off crying)
Lois: Good, I don't have to cook.
Peter: Oh, no, go ahead and cook anyway, Lois, and we'll throw it out. I don't want you to get rusty.
Brian: Peter, are you sure? You've never had much luck telling jokes.
(Flash back to Peter in a net surrounded by apes with guns.)
Peter: Okay, Okay. How many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw faeces at each other. Hehehehehehe.
(Apes co ck shotguns.)
(Lois finds a note in Chris's pocket)
Lois: Huh, what's this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pocket. She's more respectful than that.
Stewie: Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.
Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.
Guy on Airplane: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie: What did you just say?
Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie: Pipe down Lois. (Slaps guy on head.) Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.
Stewie: There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore.
Stewie: "You know what else is disgusting?" (He farts and his right eye turns red.) "Oh damn, I broke a blood vessel."
Chris: Hey little dude, how about some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes I could go for a frozen treat right about now. But no sprinkles. And for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.
Lois: Stewie why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell?
Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Stewie (reading the Bible)" My my, what a thumping good read, lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.