Juventus Janitor Warns Inter
The 76 year old veteran finally speaks out to land a cautionary blow against Inter and predicts disaster for the Nerazzurri.
After 60 years of service, Luigi Canfari finally spoke out with serious consequences. The 76 year old janitor was long believed to be mute, but has finally revealed that he simply chose not to speak until he had a prophecy to deliver.
“Juve will prevail.” Those were the first words anyone ever heard from the mouth of Il Custode di Torino, and after that he didn’t stop talking. “I have been worshiping this team since I came into this world, and I can now see true victory in their future,” added the cleaner.
Legend has it that Luigi was actually born in Stadio Olimpico di Torino when it was inaugurated in 1933. Since then, people recall seeing him around the playing fields, always eager to serve the players. It is not clear who appointed him or when, but he has always been cleaning after the team.
“I have cleaned many toilets in my lifetime, and scrubbed off the muck of many legendary players such as Boniperti, Giuseppe Furino, Bettega, Cabrini, and of course the king, Alex,” Luigi proudly added. “Even today, Dino [Zoff] still calls me to buff the lavatory at his home.”
When asked about his opinion of Inter, the gentle man turned hostile and spoke without mercy.
“I am a man who dealt with crap his whole life, but those dirty losers are too filthy even for me to handle,” he scoffed. “They will fail in the derby and La Vecchia Signora will prevail and take the Scudetto in the end.
“I know this because I spent years analyzing the toilet patterns left behind by our key players. Bowel movements can tell you a lot about a person, and I have turned this art into a science. I can tell you without any doubt that the streaks left today match the ones I have seen in the great Bianconeri years of ’60, ’85, and ’95. Inter will simply crumble and go down the drain.”
Luigi Canfari moved to delle Alpi for many years, following the team. Today he is back at the Olimpico and proposed a novel solution for dealing with their city rivals who share the same stadium.
“It’s easy really. When the Granata are playing, I simply don’t show up to work, and let them deal with their own clogged toilets. I’m sure many games were lost for them because of the smell in the changing rooms. I only [serve] the Bianconeri, because my skin is black and my blood is white.”
When asked about the Calciopoli scandal which rocked Italy, Il Custode di Torino was quick to dismiss the incident.
“There was nothing. It was a silly claim by the same type of people who come into my toilets holding their noses and complaining about the smell. There is no smell, I tell them, so stop making it up. I have lived in toilets for many years and I never smelled anything wrong, so I wonder where these lies are coming from.”
Luigi’s future is currently uncertain, as the club gets ready to move into a new venue in 2011 which features automated toilet cleaning machines.
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